How To Feel More Lighthearted

A FRIEND OF MINE just got back from Lesotho, a small country in Africa, where he spent two years in the Peace Corps. He told me the people there thought all Americans were rich. As far as he was concerned, he was a poor college student. He’d never thought of himself as rich. We Americans don’t usually think that way because we’re used to our level of wealth. But compared with the people in Lesotho and with many places on Earth, we are rich.

A king of an empire only a thousand years ago was poor compared to a modern American. You and I have services and possessions completely incomparable to the kings: microwave ovens, TVs, phones, medical technology, paved roads and cars to drive on them, hot showers, running water, flushing toilets, MP3 players, and it goes on and on. We’re rich, but we hardly ever think so because human beings have a natural tendency to feel unsatisfied, discontented, to always want more no matter how much we have. It’s true for the people in Lesotho and it’s true for you and me.

U.S. citizens have become progressively wealthier through the years. The average citizen in 1953 had access to 153 electronic appliances. In twenty years, it increased to about 400. The median size of a new home built in 1949 was 1100 square feet. By 1993 it had grown to 2060 square feet. A person in the U.S. on average, owns twice as many cars now as people did in 1950. We’re wealthy! But not very many of us feel wealthy.

The truth is: No matter how far you come, it is never enough. No matter where you arrive, it soon becomes the status quo and loses the thrill, and pretty soon your sights go out to something better. It’s human nature.

We’re all in the same boat. We’re all naturally greedy. We all continually escalate our desires above what we have. It’s as natural as breathing.

But just because something is natural, doesn’t mean it’s good or that you’re helpless against it. This is an important point. It’s natural to have sexual desires. But that doesn’t mean you can jump on everybody you feel attracted to and just apologize later: “Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Sex drive, you know. Biological.” No. We control our natural sexual desires.

In the same way, we can control our natural greed. And I don’t mean merely controlling greedy behavior, but actually controlling the feeling of dissatisfaction.

Before the end of this article, I’ll tell you what you can do about it, but first I want you to grasp the full scope of the problem. Your greed has an impact on every area of your life. You’re greedy about your relationships. You want your lover to be perfect. You’re greedy about your money. No matter how much you make right now, a little more would be better. You’re greedy about your food, your time, your possessions, your pleasures. You would prefer to feel good all the time. You want everybody to treat you with respect. You always want more than you have, and sometimes you feel unhappy about it.

To make matters worse, you also feel pushed and pressured by your own greed. It feels like you must do this and you should do that, but all you’re doing is trying to satisfy your own desires — you want to get a promotion or earn more money or whatever. Your desires feel like needs, but most of them aren’t. They are what you might call “false needs.”

Let’s say you want to be the next CEO of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, and you’re excited about your goal. You feel good about it. But a few weeks later, you feel stressed by it. What happened?

Your perfectly innocent desire has turned into a false need. As long as it’s simply a desire, the goal — or any goal you want — can be stimulating and fun and inspiring and motivating and a whole bunch of other pleasant feelings. But when you have to put together a resume, and you think you should get it in the mail as soon as possible, and you need to make it perfect, the goal is a drag: it brings you down, lowers your mood and it’s not good for your health.

When you’re fully aware you don’t need to accomplish your goals but only want to, you have energy, good health, and your enthusiasm influences people who can help you.

Desire brings you up and drives you forward with pleasure. Greed brings you down and stresses you out.

When I was a kid, I had to pull weeds in our lawn. There was some kind of “devil” weed (at least, that’s what my dad called it) that kept growing in the grass, and Dad was determined to prevent this evil from taking over the neighborhood. So, come summertime, my brother and sister and I were sent forth to conquer. Our mission: To seek out and pull up the weed with the red leaves. Summers were hot in Nevada. I hated that chore.

Next door to us lived the O’Rourks. They also had the evil weed growing on their lawn, and my best friend, Tommy, had to pull weeds too. Sometimes we had a scheduling conflict: I was ready to play, but he was pulling weeds. I often helped him so he could finish sooner. I noticed that pulling the weeds from the lawn next door was much more fun than pulling them in my own yard, and I even knew why: because I didn’t have to do it. When it was his lawn, it was an option for me, and I did it because I wanted to. The physical task was identical. But mentally, the task was quite different.

Of course you can’t really do this with your job: “I don’t have to go to work. I want to go to work.” You wouldn’t fool anyone with that one, especially yourself. But there are some elements you can influence that may improve your attitude toward any source of stress. We’ll give you a technique here and then look at how it works using some examples.

Use the following technique only when you have a feeling of dysphoria (dysphoria is anger, anxiety or depression, mild or intense). If you’re feeling great, leave yourself alone and enjoy it. This isn’t “positive thinking.” It’s more like “anti-negative thinking.” Use it only when you feel negative. The technique is a series of questions you ask yourself:

1. “What do I want?”
2. “Do I need it to survive?
3. “What would happen if I didn’t get it?”
4. “Do I want to keep the goal, give up on it, or replace it with a new or modified goal?”

This technique will work with any kind of false need — in your job, your relationships, your body goals, etc.

Let’s see how it works. Imagine you’re in an argument with someone close to you. You’re feeling a negative emotion (anger) and you want to use this technique. So you need to have a dialog with yourself.

Can you have a dialog in your head while carrying on a conversation with someone else? Probably not. Especially not when the discussion is heated. After a lot of practice under easier conditions, maybe you’ll be able to do it, but not now. So take a walk or excuse yourself. Say you need a little time to think, and go into another room. And to make it even easier (which I suggest), get a pad of paper and a pen and write down the questions and your answers. Here’s how it might go:

Q: What do I want?

A: I want to make my point. I have a valid point to make, and I want to make it.

Q: Do I need it to survive?

A: No. I won’t die if I can’t make my point.

Q: What would happen if I didn’t make my point?

A: Probably the argument would lose its fierceness.

Q: Now that I’ve thought this through a little, what do I want? Do I still want to make my point? Do I want to give it up? Or do I want to make a new goal?

A: I don’t want to make my point, at least not in this way, and not now. I want to set a new goal: I want to listen.

These questions take the need out of it if it truly isn’t a need. In our hypothetical situation, you go back to listen to the person you were arguing with, and you keep listening until the other is through talking. You’ll probably understand her or him better, and it may change the point you wanted so much to make. Or perhaps you’ll get into better communication and you’ll be able to make your point without anger.

This is a time-consuming process at first. But after doing it a few times, it starts to go quickly. When you’re good enough, you can probably do it in a few seconds while in the middle of the argument, and your partner will gape in wonder at your self-control!


THIS TECHNIQUE ALSO WORKS when you’re striving for a goal and the goal becomes an unhappy burden. Put yourself through the same questions. When you get to the last one, seriously consider giving up on your goal, because if the goal isn’t giving you any joy, what’s the point? You aren’t here long enough to fritter away your precious years on misery.

You might be thinking, “But my goal is not just to give me joy. I’m trying to send my kid through college,” or “I’ve got to pay the mortgage.” If that’s what you’re thinking, you’re in the trap right now and you don’t know it! You don’t have to send your kid to college, and you don’t need to keep your house. You could let your child earn her own way through college — and she might develop a stronger sense of self-reliance because of it. You could move to an apartment and give up yard-work forever. I’m not saying you should do these things, but you could. And knowing you could, knowing that those are only desires of yours, goals you set, will give you a different feeling toward those goals, just like the difference between pulling weeds in my lawn versus Tommy’s lawn.

You have the option: You can choose to keep your goal, or you can change your mind. It’s up to you. If you decide you want to keep the goal, it will be fresh in your mind that you want it, and you’ll feel differently about it. It’s a mental maneuver, and it’ll change the way you feel.

It doesn’t make any difference to say to yourself, “I don’t need this, I want it,” in order to “make yourself” feel better about it. Saying the words, “I want this,” doesn’t affect you much. Knowing you have the option to give it up and deciding not to do so is what makes the difference. That’s why you ask those questions and answer them sincerely. You don’t need to pump yourself up or believe something you don’t believe.

What gives this process power is taking away the falsity. You take away the goal during the questions. The goal is not real. It doesn’t exist. You made it up. You decided to accomplish it. The pressure to accomplish it is in your head, not in reality. When you remove the goal, it changes the way you feel about it.

Sometimes you’ll ask those questions and you’ll realize you really don’t want to make your point or be the CEO of Ben & Jerry’s. And that’s great. You’ll get a fresh opportunity to create a goal that’ll give you some pleasure instead of misery or stress or boredom.

The same point applies in the reading of this web site. You might feel a desire to practice an idea presented here so you can feel better more often. I’m hoping you will. But you may later feel burdened by it — as if you have an obligation to become happier. You don’t. You don’t have to become more successful. You don’t have to look good or lose weight or get rich or feel good. You don’t have to do much to survive, at least here in America. Your mother may not approve, but you don’t have to make her happy either.

You may want some of these things, however. You can figure that out for yourself. But you’ll feel better more often if you keep in mind that you want to do them; you don’t have to.

It’s perfectly natural to think your life should be better than it is. It’s perfectly natural, and perfectly counterproductive. It causes more dysphoria than is necessary. Realize that your desires are only desires that you chose and you’ll feel much better and work toward your desires more effectively.

And when you realize you have a desire that cannot be attained, you can give it up and replace it with a different desire. You’re in charge of this. You’re not the victim of your own desires. You can choose what goal to reach for. You can choose goals that’ll give you the most enjoyment to pursue, and you can keep yourself aware that it’s your game so you can get maximum enjoyment from it. And by doing so, you can voluntarily fill your life with a bearable lightness of being.

The principle:
Ask yourself: Do you really need it?
Do you really have to?
Or is it only a preference?

Read more: We've Been Duped

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Imagine a Single Celebration that Includes Everybody

IN THE NORTHERN hemisphere, the summer solstice marks the longest day of the year and on that day until the winter solstice, the days get progressively shorter. The winter solstice is the moment when the days begin to get longer again. Just the reverse is true in the southern hemisphere, but the two solstices themselves occur at exactly the same moment for everyone on earth.

The origin of the word "solstice" is the Latin solstitium from "sol" meaning sun and "-stitium" meaning a stoppage. Observing the sun over time, you can see the sun rising further and further to the south until the winter solstice when it slows and stops and then reverses.

The winter solstice in the northern hemisphere is close to the same time as Christmas, and many of our Christmas traditions originated from the days before Christianity, when the solstice was celebrated. Traditions for celebrating the end of shorter days and the beginning of longer days have been practiced around the world for many thousands of years.

At Stonehenge on the British Isles, for example, the huge stones are arranged in such a way that they frame the setting sun on the day of winter solstice. The ancient Brits had a tradition of tying apples to the branches of oak trees in the dead of winter to affirm that summer would come again. The Celts put mistletoe on their altars.

The ancient Romans celebrated the winter solstice by giving gifts. And they feasted for a week. Servants traded places with their masters — the masters serving their servants during the feast. They also had a tradition during winter solstice of bringing evergreens indoors.

In Scandinavian countries, the sun disappears in the dead of winter. In the far north, it disappears for as long as 35 days. The ancient people of the far north had a tradition of feasting when the dark days were over and the sun once again shone on the horizon. They celebrated with what they called a Yuletide festival. They feasted in a long hall while a Yule log burned in the fireplace. They thought of mistletoe as sacred. Kissing under mistletoe was a fertility ritual. Holly berries was considered to be the food of the gods.

The solstice celebrations were officially replaced with Christian ceremonies during Roman times as a way of overtaking the ancient traditions, even though Jesus wasn't really born in December. It was a political act. December 25th used to be the solstice with the old calendar. It usually happens on December 21st with the modern calendar.

But the Christian usurping of the celebration was a long time ago. It's water under the bridge and really at this point, who cares? We could start fresh and celebrate the solstice instead of (or in addition to) our other celebrations. We could celebrate the turning of the season. We could celebrate longer and warmer days ahead.

We could keep our celebrations, but change the date, and that way more people could celebrate together. People of different customs could celebrate their customs but also celebrate the solstice with all people.

The solstice has nothing to do with religion, race, or nationality. Every one of us relies on the sun for our warmth, our sunlight, and our food. We rely on the sun for life. The time and date of the solstice can be accurately determined and it occurs at the same moment everywhere on earth.

The solstice might some day become an international holiday. This could be the beginning of something wonderful — a point of unification, a place of agreement, a universal tradition.

You can begin this year by celebrating the solstice in even a small way. Take any of the traditions normally associated with the holiday season and do some part of it on the solstice. Give a gift. Eat a feast. Be kinder to your fellow human beings. Invite people of all faiths to your home to celebrate the end of the longest night and the beginning of longer days. The celebration of the solstice in your own home could actually and concretely work for peace on earth and goodwill toward all women and men.

I wish you a Merry Solstice.

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Filling Your Spouse's Love Tank

ONE OF THE best moods you can have is feeling loved. In Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, he says when you can speak your spouse's love language, you fill their "love tank." They feel loved and it puts them in a great mood. And when their tank is full, they want to fill your tank (putting you in a great mood).

But when their tank is empty, when they don't feel loved, they don't want to do much for you. People are giving when they feel loved. And much less so when they don't.

This "love tank" analogy is a fairly accurate description of the effect of oxytocin (a hormone produced in the brain giving you feelings of trust and good will). When your oxytocin level is high, you feel loving. You want to touch and be touched. When it's low, you don't feel loving, and you don't want to touch or be touched.

You fill the tank by raising oxytocin. Speaking your spouse's love language can really help. In other words, one good way to be in a great mood is to fill your spouse's love tank by finding out what your spouse's love language is, and "speaking" that language so your spouse really feels loved. What you put out in this way will come back to you in kind. Speaking your spouse's love language is a gift. Give in this way, and you will receive in abundance.

Find out more about how to raise oxytocin here: Peace, Love, and Oxytocin.

Find out what the five love languages are: Language of Love.

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How to Reframe What Seems to be a Negative Event

ON AMAZON.COM, there are 26 reviews of my book. Most of them are positive, but three of them are negative. And of course, because of my brain’s negative bias, the negative ones stick out in my mind and have much more emotional impact than all the other positive reviews combined.

I have been using three reframes for this and they work so well I am not bothered by the negative reviews. In fact, I’m actually glad they are there.

There is a difference between “trying to think positive” or “putting a positive spin” on something and actually reframing it. You can tell if you have a genuine reframe if your feelings change. I really, honestly do not feel any negative feelings from these critical reviews. If I still did, then I would know I’m just trying to talk myself into something I really don’t believe. Here are my three reframes:

1. I get to find out what is not good about my book, and since I plan on writing more books, it could be useful information.

2. A few bad reviews helps people make a better decision about buying my book, which should in theory prevent people who wouldn’t like it from buying it, thus improving my reviews over time.

3. The few bad reviews keep a buyer’s expectations from soaring too high. If a potential customer only read the positive reviews, she might think Self-Help Stuff That Works is the answer to all the world’s problems, and it isn’t. Not only that, but the bad reviews all criticize the same thing, and it is one of the things that the positive reviews almost all praise: That the chapters are short. The people who criticized it wanted something more in-depth. The ones who praised it like the fact that the chapters are brief, to the point, and practical. By having both reviews on there, a potential buyer can make a better, more informed decision.

In other words, about the bad reviews, I can genuinely say: “That’s good!”

I created these reframes deliberately. When I first read those reviews, I felt bad. It was kind of upsetting. My feelings were hurt.

So I sat down and wrote as many reframes as I could in a half hour. I set a timer and made myself continue to come up with reframes until the timer went off.

Then I looked through them. Most of them were not very good and some of them were downright stupid, but the three above made sense to me and changed the way I felt about the reviews.

That's a good method for reframing. Make a long list. In you effort to come up with reframes, you'll come up with good ones and bad ones, but some of the bad ones will give you ideas that will help you come up with good ones. How's that for a reframe of the dumb ideas?

Don't judge your reframes until you're done coming up with them. Then look through them and see if any seem like sensible ways to look at the situation. Circle the ones that make sense, or write them on a separate piece of paper and post them somewhere. Let the new ways of thinking sink in and see if they makes a difference.

And if you think of it, come back here and leave a comment letting us know what worked for you and what didn't. Thank you.

Read more: Seeing The Same Thing a Different Way

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Bringing Extended Family Relationships Closer

IN TIMES PAST, and even now in some parts of the world, each member of a family had their fate tied up with the other members of the family. They all had to pull together or the survival of all of them was in danger. They shared a purpose. They all shared a very concrete, in-your-face-from-dawn-to-dusk purpose: Survival. And they shared the purpose with each other but not with "outsiders" because the family was husband, wife and kids, and maybe also parents of husband or wife. Sometimes siblings. They all lived together and relied on each other and so shared the same fate.

There were things to do. Urgent, necessary things. And of course, while human beings are accomplishing necessary things, they will also talk to each other and form relationships. And unified, coordinated effort can have a bonding affect between people.

This historical reality is where we get our reverence for "family." Why is family so sacred? The reverence we have for family is a remnant from the past when conditions were different. The realities have changed, but our underlying belief system hasn't been updated.

You'll often see two people who survived an ordeal or fought in a war or even went through boot camp together forty years ago still treat each other like good friends. For a short time they shared a real purpose, and that experience is so rare in our modern world, it shines like a beacon through the years, brighter and clearer than all the comparatively superficial relationships those people have had in the last forty years.

Purpose is essential. It is the core of a relationship. Without it, there is no real bond. There may be superficial interaction, there may be social intercourse, there may be mutual entertainment. But that is nowhere near a real relationship — a relationship based on, centered around, and springing from a shared purpose.

Times have changed. Most families don't have to pull together to survive. In fact, most families couldn't think of a unifying purpose if they had to. I don't mean "carrying on the family name." That's not a real purpose. A purpose is something you have to strive for. It isn't something that happens as a matter of course. These days, the purposes of the individual members of families tend to be diverse and unrelated. Their purposes are unrelated.

But a real relationship with someone means your purposes are related.

Politicians and preachers are always complaining gravely about the "disintegration of the family" in America. Probably the greatest cause is our affluence, which hardly seems like something to whine about. There are no necessities that bind us with our blood relations — no urgent, concrete things that need to be accomplished together. That's what relationships are made of at the root, and so we don't really have relationships with our relatives. We go through the motions of relating, but it is empty. We can tell there's something wrong with it, but can't quite put our finger on it.

During the Great Depression, many families were put back into a survival situation, and they bonded closely. Their fates were tied together.

When a group of people put out effort for the day and it all adds together to make mutual survival, you can eat dinner together and socialize and there will be relationships, because your purposes are related. But when you just eat together without the tied-together purpose, something is missing. Something is lacking: No joined effort toward a shared purpose. What's missing is the real basis of true relationship.

Often in today's world, people sometimes feel closer to the people they work with than they do their own spouses. They share purpose with their workmates. If spouses aren't working together to accomplish a shared goal they both feel is important, they don't really have much of a relationship, and they usually don't know what's missing. The relationship itself (its health, its well-being) cannot be the shared purpose, because its health and well-being depend on a purpose outside the relationship.

So if you want to feel closer to the people in your family, find or create important purposes you hold in common with them, and make those purposes the central focus of your relationships.

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