How To Feel Happier In The Long Run By Doing What Doesn't Come Naturally

Sometimes when I read something good, I copy it and post it. I have a bulletin board for just that purpose, and I always have something new on the board to re-read (and hopefully eventually sink in). One such nugget I've had around a long time is a page from the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

The basic premise of the book is that some people will only feel loved if they are physically touched, while for others a hug doesn't do much but it really makes them feel loved when someone says it. The author, Gary Chapman, identifies five different "love languages:" physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time. Read more about it here: Language Of Love.

The page I copied and have posted on my bulletin board so many times is about a conversation Chapman has with one of his clients. The client basically says, "Yes, I understand that my spouse's love language is physical touch, but I was never hugged as a child and it's not my language. I'm not a toucher."

I love Chapman's response: "Do you have two hands?" He instructs the client to put his hands together and then imagine his spouse in between. "I'll bet if you hug your spouse three thousand times," he says, "it will begin to feel more comfortable."

Comfort isn't the point, anyway. Love is a verb. It's something you do. Specifically, it's something you do for someone else. We do things all day long that don't come "naturally." And we do it because we want the result. We do it because it's worthwhile.

One of the most important things you can do to raise your mood in the long run is improve the quality of your most important relationships. Do something that brings you closer. Do something that makes you feel more affection for each other. Do something for the other person. And ideally, do something that the other person will really appreciate.

What a wife will appreciate may not be what comes naturally for the husband. It doesn't matter. Does he love her? Does he want her to know and feel his love? Then he should think in terms of what she will appreciate rather than what he would appreciate if she did it for him.

After awhile, it will come more naturally for him, and he may eventually even like it. But that's not as important as it seems.

Think of someone you love. Think of one specific person. Have they ever requested something that you have ignored? Have they ever hinted at something they would like, but since you aren't interested, you have shined it on? You could make a huge difference in your relationship to reconsider. Do a little of what doesn't come naturally and see what happens. It could make both of you happier.

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Relieve City Stress

MEDITATION can compensate or substitute for the deep peace one gets in a natural setting (like being in the woods, in the mountains, or on a deserted beach). The sounds and appearance of natural settings are soothing and comfortable. It is the environment the human organism is evolved to deal with. Change it to buildings and cars and strangers and time pressure and polyester and lots of extra mental and emotional stimulation from music and television, and the organism — your body and mind — is out of its element. And it reacts by gearing up. Cortisol and adrenaline start flowing and keep flowing without a break.

In a natural setting, it would not be all peace and harmony, of course. There would be times of great danger, of fear and anger. But in between, the body would have the opportunity to settle down again and rejuvenate in a natural setting.

That's what meditation provides for the city dweller. It is a way to compensate for the unnatural setting we live in. And it works.

If you don't get enough peace, you suffer. Stress has a thousand ways of showing up. And each one of those ways can be seen as a symptom of a "calmness deficiency." Like a vitamin C deficiency, the body can cope for awhile, but then the deficiency starts to show its negative impact.

If you can't take plenty of walks in the woods, or if you don't live near a quiet desert, or if you don't live out in the wilderness, you will need to compensate for your unnatural situation. Meditation is what you need. Meditate and you fulfill your requirement for calm. And what do you know? All kinds of healthy side-effects (reductions of the symptoms of stress) show that those symptoms were from a lack of moments of calmness and peace.

You don't have to be peaceful all the time to satisfy your need for calm. You just need enough of it. Daily meditation can provide that for you.

Read more: Everything Goes Better With Relaxation.

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Metaphors Can Make You Happy

In an article in the Positive Psychology News Daily, David Pollay interviewed Clara Font, a 107 year-old woman with a great attitude. During the interview, Clara says two things in passing, but she says them as statements of fact. They are metaphors she lives by:

1. Life is a gift.

2. Every day is an opportunity.

Each one of these ways of looking at life are comparison reframes. Life is a gift compared to dying or suffering the horror of someone you love dying, for example. But life doesn't feel like a gift if you compare your life to some ideal like being a millionaire with no problems.

If you looked at your own life with the perspective (through the frame) of those two statements, you would find it raises your mood. Try it.

In other words, say to yourself, "Life is a gift." And then answer the question, "In what ways is life a gift?" Once you start thinking about it, the answers are numerous and they all stem from comparing your situation to something worse. Situations worse than yours are easy to come up with.

Several times today, say one of those statements to yourself and think about how it is true. I'd love to hear what happens (write to me at adam@youmeworks.com).

You are alive. You might as well enjoy that fact, and using Clara's two metaphors can help.

Read more here:

Comparisons

Are You The One?

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Resources For Feeling Good

I have another web site, and I've had it for about 12 years now. Over time I've been able to see which features of the site are used the most, and I'd like to share two of them with you. One is a fun thing to turn others onto, called "Bite-Size Tastes." They are very short items with titles that evoke curiosity. Here are a a couple of examples:

Enhance the quality of your life using a technique developed in one of Hitler's concentration camps.

How can you improve your health without spending money or breaking a sweat?

This page is something you can share with people who don't normally read self-help stuff, and it might might make them interested in reading more.

The other resource is to help you in your ongoing and noble quest for a better mood. And I call it noble because while miserable people may see your quest for a better mood as selfish or self-indulgent, you know moods are contagious. And when you are in a better mood, people around you will feel better too. It's good for everyone.

Anyway, back on track: The name of this second resource is "Immediate Relief." It is a list of negative emotions or troublesome situations, and each one is a link to take you to a short article that will help you rise up out of that particular negative feeling or circumstance. Pretty handy.

Check them out:

Bite-Size Tastes

Immediate Relief

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