Behaving Your Way Into a Better Mood

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU WANT TO behave differently, you don’t feel like it when the time comes. And sometimes when you want to feel differently, you don’t really know how to get there from where you are. Maybe you want to feel confident talking with strangers or feel cheerful at work, but you don’t know how to feel confident or cheerful. Well, there is a way.

The principle is simple: Assume the posture you would have if you felt the way you want to feel, breathe the way you would breathe, talk the way you would talk, think the things you would think, act the way you would act — do the things you would do if you felt the way you want to feel.

Are you depressed and want to feel happy? Move your body like you move it when you’re happy. If you can’t remember what it’s like to be happy, move your body the same way you’ve seen others move when they looked happy. Put the same expression on your face. Imagine or remember the way you talk to yourself and the kind of perspective you might have about your situation when you’re happy, and then say those things to yourself and take that perspective.

In other words, act as though you were happy.

If you are angry and want to be calm, act as though you were calm. Do you feel weak and want to be strong? Act as though you were strong.

What you’re doing is changing everything that can be changed, and this changes your feelings, which can’t be changed directly.

Remember Pavlov’s dogs? Pavlov rang a bell every time he fed the dogs, and the dogs associated the sound of the bell with the taste of food. So when the bell rang, the dogs salivated, even when there was no food.

For your whole life you’ve been relating certain body postures, facial expressions, breathing patterns, etc., to certain feelings like happiness or calmness or strength. The postures and facial expressions and feelings belong together. So when you act as though you’re relaxed, you begin to feel relaxed. When you act as though you feel good, you begin to feel good. And after awhile, you aren’t acting. It’s like siphoning gas — you suck on the hose at first, and then it comes out by itself.

“Acting as though” also changes reality, which tends to reinforce the feelings. For example, people who feel depressed typically aren’t very friendly. If they acted like a person who felt good, they would act friendlier, which would cause people to act friendly in return, which would make the person feel less depressed. It creates an upward spiral. Change how you act and what you do and your feelings will change. You will get a better response from the world, which will reinforce your good feelings.

This is a chapter from the book, Self-Help Stuff That Works.

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Conspiracy To Make You Happy

YOU'VE HEARD people say, "everything happens for a reason," and they use the saying to raise their mood. If it is done a particular way, it can make you feel better and at the same time help you make the best of a situation. But I've heard people use the idea as a kind of fatalism, as a reason to do nothing, as a kind of lazy and passive determinism. It may make the person feel better at the moment, but in the long run, it won't. Fatalism is a form of helplessness, and feelings of helplessness can lead to depression.

Brian Tracy has what I think is a better saying: "Pretend the universe is in a conspiracy to make you happy and successful, and this is just what you need." This way of reframing a setback will improve your mood in the moment, and it will also raise your mood in the long run. It will help you learn and improve what you do in the future. It will help you make the most of whatever happens.

In the movie, The Game, Michael Douglas (and we, the viewers) have the uncanny experience of not knowing whether the things Douglas is going through are just bad luck or exactly what he needs to become happy. Douglas signed up for a life-changing experience that takes place in his own life rather than in a seminar room. He was a stuffy, bored rich man, and all kinds of bad luck suddenly leads him to become penniless and makes it necessary for him to rely on a waitress to survive. It is a humbling experience for him and that's exactly what he needed. He stops being stuffy, and he is no longer bored.

What circumstances do you have that you could look at in a new way? What unpleasant situation do you have? Is it teaching you something valuable? Could it, if you looked at it that way? Pretend the universe is in a conspiracy to help you become happier and more successful and look at your circumstances as the perfect thing to teach you what you need to learn.

Your ongoing mood has a lot to do with how things look to you. And how things look to you has a lot to do with how you look at things. You can use this to your advantage.

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A Lesson in Reframing From Groundhog Day

IN THE MOVIE, Groundhog Day, Bill Murray plays a weatherman named Phil. Self-centered, bitter, and sarcastic, Phil is not a happy man and he tends to make other peoples' lives more difficult. One day Phil has to go to a little town to cover a Groundhog Day festival, and the next day he wakes up and it is still Groundhog Day. The next day the same thing happens. He has to live the same day, Groundhog Day, again and again. Every morning he wakes up, he's in the same place on the same day. For weeks, months, years.

Phil feels trapped, and in his anger, he tries to take advantage of the situation. He steals money, drives crazy, tricks women to have his way with them. He may have gone to jail the night before, but the next morning he's back in his bed and nobody is the wiser. But this doesn't make him happy.

All the while, Phil talks to Rita every day. Rita is the producer of the show. He slowly realizes he loves her. Of course, she only knows him as the egocentric jerk he has been so far, so he is frustrated. At first he tries to be phony, learning all about her likes and dislikes, and trying to get her to like him. But then every morning, she thinks he's a jerk again.

Finally he gives up, gets depressed, and decides the only way out of this nightmare is to kill himself. He drives his truck off a cliff, jumps off a building, gets in a bath and drops a plugged-in toaster in the water, etc. But every morning he wakes up in bed again, not a scratch on him.

Finally he gives up and starts being his honest self. And when he does, Rita responds to it. One day he hangs out with her all day and tells her what is going on, and she reframes his situation for him. She says, "Sometimes I wish I had a thousand lifetimes."

He changes his attitude and decides to bloom where he is planted. He decides to accept his situation and make the best of it. He decides to fulfill himself and be happy. And he does. He learns to ice-sculpt and play the piano. He starts finding people in need and helping them. He becomes a happy, satisfied man.

And then, of course, Rita falls in love with him, and he wakes up and it is finally the day after Groundhog Day.

The movie is a good demonstration of how dramatically life can change with a new perspective. All his objective circumstances were the same. When he thought of it as a trap, as a sentence, he was miserable and made everyone else miserable too. But when he saw the opportunity in the circumstances, when he chose to make the best of it, he transformed. And he was happier, and everyone he knew was happier too.

How can this apply to you? Watch the movie and think about what you have in your life that you think of as a trap. What unchanging circumstance do you have that you resist or hate? Now ask yourself, "What might be good about this? How might I take advantage of this? How could I thrive and fulfill myself right where I am?" Honestly pondering those questions shifts your attitude, improves your mood, and opens the possibility of surprising new opportunities for joy.

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Improve Your Mood With T5

ONE OF THE THINGS I've done over the years that consistently improves my mood over many days is what I've come to call "T5." It stands for "take the time to think." I have never read anything about it. No books seem to exist on the subject. The practice has grown out of the writing exercises from Undemoralize Yourself.

To T5, all you have to do is sit still without doing anything. How often do you do that? For me, I always have lots to do, and if I'm not doing something, I'm watching a movie or listening to music. My mind is almost continually engaged.

When I sit still, after about fifteen minutes, my mind seems to go into a defrag mode. Unresolved issues bubble up and get resolved. My mind seems to naturally sort itself out. It feels almost as if I had things I needed to think about that were pushed to the back of my mind, waiting for an opportunity.

I always have a paper and pen handy when I T5 because I always get solutions to problems or things I want to remember to do later, and it interferes with the process to try to remember something. So I write it down. Then I can take my mind off it.

After a half hour or an hour, I feel so much better, and I feel better for days afterwards. But every time I do it, I always have to make myself do it. I always do it reluctantly. I don't like to sit still. I don't want to think. But I do it anyway because the rewards are so great. And I've gotten into the habit of setting a timer, usually for an hour, sometimes for less, and I stay put until the timer goes off. Then I am not waffling about how much longer I should sit there. My mind can settle in and do its thing. You can also T5 while walking if you have a place to walk where you won't run into people you know. You can read more about that here: Constitutional Right.

If you want a clear, peaceful mind, if you want to raise your mood, try T5. I think you'll be surprised at how well it works.

Read more: Take the Time to Think.

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