A Practical Way YOU Can Help Create Peace on Earth

ONE WAY to improve your mood is to work toward a goal you feel is inspiring. When you feel you're doing some good in the world, you feel good. Below I describe a simple goal you can do during ordinary conversations with people — and in the process help achieve a goal wished for since the beginning of civilization.

Lots of people, throughout history, have expressed the goal of attaining peace on earth. Many methods have been proposed and tried, but not many of those ideas have been practical. But in an interview with Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, I heard her say something that made me think of one possible way to make some actual headway toward the goal of "peace on earth."

She said if more people knew about sociopaths, there would be less war in the world.

She was dead serious, and I think she may be right. We could bring about a more peaceful world by making an understanding of sociopaths widespread. Consider these facts:

1. According to the famous Milgram experiments, 65 percent of people follow the orders of an authority.

2. Sociopaths want to win. They seek control. They are excellent manipulators. They don't care who gets hurt. They don't care who lives or dies.

3. They sometimes make it to positions of power, sometimes even becoming the leader of a country. And they do what sociopaths do: They take advantage, they get away with whatever they can, and when they are in a position of strength, they sometimes invade or threaten other countries, causing war.

If more people knew the characteristics of a sociopath, more people would identify them for what they are before they gain too much authority and power. Fewer sociopaths would make it to positions of authority.

Result: Fewer wars.

There would be less horror and misery in the world.

The truth is, even though it is a common belief that "man is a violent species," we are not. But when sociopaths gain positions of supreme authority and start wars, 65 percent will obey authority, and most of the rest will be fooled and manipulated into supporting the cause (or locked up or executed).

The result is war. Most people who actually fight in wars feel terrible about what they experience. They don't want to kill or hurt other human beings. They feel they have to (to save their country, to save the people they love, to stop a dictator from taking over the world, to save their fellow soldiers in the battle, etc.).

But the point is, the only reason sociopaths are able to get away with as much as they do is because most people are so ignorant about sociopaths. Not very many people know about the existence of such a thing as "common, everyday sociopaths." And even if they do, they don't know the easily-identifiable characteristics of a sociopath. They don't know how to spot them.

If you do, you can share your knowledge with others. If you don't, you can learn about it here. Then you can share what you've learned far and wide and in every way you can. And urge everyone you know to help you spread the knowledge.

Ask people, "Did you know there are sociopaths among us?" Ask people of they know what a sociopath is. Ask people, "Did you know one in fifty people is a sociopath?" Ask these questions with people you know and talk about it. Most people don't know, and at the very least, it makes for interesting conversation. Ask people, "Did you know there is no known therapy for sociopaths? And in fact, therapy usually makes them worse because it helps them get better at manipulating people?" Ask people if they know how to spot a sociopath.

Learn about sociopaths and teach the others in your life about it. This will give you a long-range sense of purpose, which will raise your mood. But this simple thing could also change the course of history. You could help bring the cherished dream of humanity closer to reality.

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The Big Reframe: What Myth Do You Live By?

ON HIS FIRST MILITARY CAMPAIGN, George Washington made a terrible mistake. The American colonies had not yet rebelled — that was 20 years down the road. Washington was working for Britain, which was in a “cold war” with France. The two countries were tussling with each other for territory all over the world, including the area near Virginia. One day Washington and his troops spotted a party of French camping in their territory, and attacked them, killing ten men and capturing the rest.

He shot first and asked questions later. He found out it was a diplomatic party, and one of the men he killed was an important French ambassador. Washington had made a big mistake. The two major military powers of that time ended their cold war and entered a hot war.

Imagine, for the moment, that you were Washington, and you made that mistake. What would you tell yourself about it? How would the mistake fit into the overall pattern of your life?

In other words: What kind of story do you live in? Where do you think you come from and where do you think you’re going?

You live by a story. Have you ever thought of it that way? Each of us has a story, and we are the main character in that story. If I interviewed you for a couple of weeks, I could probably piece together a coherent story that you live by even if you’ve never really thought about it yourself. It’s your life story and it is the meaning of your life.

For example, one story Washington could have told himself was: “I am destined for failure.” His father died young, his mother was a nag. Compared to his contemporaries, he was poor. Killing the French ambassador could have been a final straw. He might have concluded that he wasn’t cut out for military work and given up, climbed inside a bottle and we might never have heard of him.

That’s one story. That’s one context within which he could have lived his life. And do you see that the story leads to certain feelings and certain actions consistent with the story?

Here’s another possibility: He could have thought he was destined to make his mark in the world, and that his mistake was the most important lesson he was ever to learn. “Divine Providence,” he could have told himself, “is preparing me for a great task. I must learn all I can from this mistake for it may affect the future of the world.”

Do you think he would feel differently about the circumstances of his life with this story? Of course he would. Same circumstances, different story. But the heroic story would make him learn important military lessons from his mistake and it would help him persist and endure hardships that would collapse a weaker person. The story would give him strength.

Judging by the letters he wrote home, the story he lived by was a lot more like this second one than the first one. And because he lived by that more inspiring story, he persisted and he learned and he did make a difference.

Man of La Mancha, a musical made in 1972, is based on the story Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes. It’s an entertaining story, but it’s also profound.

Don Quixote sees the world as a quest, as an adventure, and he sees a poor kitchen maid as a lady of unsurpassed beauty and chastity. He dreams the impossible dream, he fights the unbeatable foe, he looks at life as a challenge to do good in the face of evil and make the world a better place. He wants to dedicate his victories to the kitchen maid, his Lady.

She is bitter about life, full of anger.

“Why do you do these things?” she asks him.

“What things?”

She bursts out in frustration, “It’s ridiculous, the things you do!”

He answers simply, “I come in a world of iron to make a world of gold.”

“The world’s a dung heap,” she says, “and we are maggots that crawl on it.”

Two different stories, same objective reality. Yet one lives in a life of nobility and beauty and adventure, and the other lives in filth and misery and hatred.

What kind of story do you live? Is it heroic? Or is it weak? Do you have a sense of destiny? Or do you have a sense of emptiness? What do you think is your destiny? The destiny of Earth? The destiny of the human race? The story you tell yourself — the myth within which you live your life — strongly affects your feelings and the ultimate outcome of your life.

And it can change. You can change it deliberately.


the myths we live by

MYTHS HAVE BEEN A PART of humankind since very near the beginning. We call them myths when they are other people’s stories; we call them true when the story is our own.

A shaman sitting around the campfire 20,000 years ago telling his people how their tribe came to be wasn’t sharing what he thought of as a “myth” or fun little story; the story he told was the context of their daily lives. It was the pattern each of their experiences fit into. It gave their lives meaning. It gave each of them purpose for their existence. It enriched their lives...or it deadened it, depending on the story.

Some of the stories we hear of nonscientific people seem quaint — even ridiculous — to us; we all know the earth is not sitting on the back of a giant turtle; we know the universe wasn’t created by the wind.

If those nonscientific people took a ride in a space shuttle and looked at the earth, they could see for themselves there’s no giant turtle. And they would come up with a different story. But they would come up with a story. Everyone has either accepted a story from their culture or their family, or created one of their own. Everyone has a story they live. And so have you.

It’s important to live within a story that gives your life dignity and purpose. It’ll make a difference in your life, far beyond improving your mood. And you don’t have to force yourself to believe in an old myth if you don’t believe it. Your “myth,” to enrich your life, has to fit into your existing knowledge. It has to be true for you.

Because we know so much about the world, many of the old myths are difficult to believe in. Our security-blankets have been snatched away. And for many people, the modern stories they live by are empty, desolate, negative and hopeless. But it doesn't have to be that way.

We now know the universe is vast. We know the earth is not the center of everything. We know the forces of gravity and the size of stars and galaxies are beyond our ability to grasp, and they dwarf us and our lives in comparison. But that knowledge doesn’t mean you have to live by a desolate story. It lends itself to nobility and heroism just as easily as any other body of knowledge.

For example, you also know that this one little planet is the only one we know of with life on it. Life is precious. The fact that you and I exist at all is utterly amazing! The existence of the universe, and the existence of life is nothing short of awe-inspiring.

Many people take this scientific knowledge and — without any leaps of faith — create for themselves a story with meaning. For example, they may decide it is their sacred duty to protect and preserve this planet and its precious forms of life.

A person in a position of power may work for policies to prevent animals from becoming extinct or policies to clean up pollution or policies to promote cooperation with other nations. A mother may devote her life to her children and give them wisdom and courage and an appreciation for this rare planet and the miracle of life. A typist for a large office may devote some of his spare time to writing letters to his representatives on issues he thinks are important, fighting the noble battle for Life.

Anybody in any position may play an important and even crucial part in the way things unfold in the future. You may make an important difference. You don’t think so? Neither did George Washington in the first part of his life. And what if he hadn’t helped lead the colonies in their fight for freedom? What if he was the crucial difference and we lost the war? What if our experiment with democracy and human rights had failed? It was not a “self-evident truth,” it was an invention; it never existed in the long history of our species.

If the colonists' fight against the King of England had failed, would kings and fascist dictators rule the world today? Would the idea of individual human rights have disappeared? Would freedom have been snuffed out? It’s quite possible. Human rights didn’t exist in all the history of civilization.

Who can say what a difference he made? Who knows what difference you will make? Your life isn’t over.

In the struggle for the right of women to vote in the United States, one obscure man made a difference. He was a representative in a small state. I don’t even know his name. But the right of women to vote (which had won in the Senate by only one vote) had to win in the House. And it did — again by one vote, and that one vote was our hero: A representative in a small state who was expected to vote against it.

But his mother wrote him a letter and urged him to vote yes. Her letter moved him, and he voted, and the world has never been the same. That woman may not have done another significant thing in her life, but what she did made a difference. All those small acts of integrity she committed in her life that earned her son’s respect led up to that one important moment when she changed his mind and changed the lives of millions forever after.

Each small, relatively meaningless act of her life had meaning and purpose. She may have realized that; maybe not. She may have lived a life couched in a story of nobility and heroism; or maybe she thought of herself as just one worthless person in a sea of worthless people. We don’t know what story she lived. But that isn’t important now. She has passed on.

You, however, are alive and kicking. Your story is important.

You may be destined to make a difference. You may be the one person who turns the tide. Something important may depend on your goodness or your intelligence or your strength. And all the circumstances of your life right now, especially the parts you don’t like, may be perfectly preparing you for the part you will play in the destiny of the earth.

Some people make a difference with their lives but don’t know it, because what they did only set the stage for what came later, but what came later could only have happened if that stage was set. Whether you see the results of your strength and goodness isn’t the point. The point is that the story you live by makes a difference in your life right now, regardless of what happens later.

If you have a cynical or empty or tragic story right now, it may make all the difference that you’re reading this. This may be your turning point. And your belief that it is your mission to do what you can may be what keeps you trying against the odds, and it may be that because you try against the odds, you make a crucial difference.

Your story is to some degree a self-fulfilling prophecy. Make it a good one. Create a story that gives you dignity and purpose and meaning and strength of character. Teach that story to your children.

You may be the one.

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What Makes You Feel Loved?

IN HIS BOOK, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman says what makes one spouse feel loved might not be what makes the other spouse feel loved. He calls the different ways to feel loved "love languages." The five love languages are:

acts of service
physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
receiving gifts

In the beginning of every relationship, most of us stop thinking about anything except our new sweetheart. We communicate our affection with all five love languages. With such a shotgun approach, you're sure to make each other feel loved.

But as time goes on, your expressions of love streamline, and you eventually drop out every expression of love that isn't very valuable to you and what you'll have left is the one love language that means the most to you: Your own.

For example, Dan's love language is words of affirmation but Judy's is acts of service.

It has probably never occurred to Dan that people wouldn't appreciate words of affirmation, so his expression has streamlined to words. When he really wants Judy to know how much he loves her, he tells her. Judy likes hearing it, but words alone don't really make her feel loved. The words are nice, but that's all they are to her: nice. They are "just words."

Meanwhile Judy has streamlined her expression of love to the one that really counts as far as she is concerned: Acts of service. She goes out of her way to take care of Dan. She makes sure the house is always clean, his clothes are always washed and folded with care, etc. She tries to help him out whenever she can. Dan hardly even notices. What he does notice is that Judy almost never tells him she loves him any more. She hardly ever tells him she believes in him. Her acts of service "fall on deaf ears." He cares very little about how clean the kitchen is. He rarely even notices (much less appreciates) her many sacrifices and hard work.

Here's the ironic thing: Judy is going way out of her way to make Dan feel loved, and he goes around resentful that she never tells him she loves him. Meanwhile, he tries to express himself until he's blue in the face to let her know how much she means to him, and all she ends up doing is complaining about how he never helps her with the housework and never does the things she asks him to do (she is requesting acts of service, and if he did them, she would feel loved).

Many of us are in a similar situation. If this seems all too familiar, the thing to do is to find out what your spouse's love language is, and then learn to express your affection in that way instead of in the way you value most. It may feel a little awkward at first, as it would to learn a second language of any kind, but use it enough, and it starts to feel comfortable.

But how do you find out what your mate's love language is? First, look at how she normally expresses her love for you. Although it may not be your love language, it's probably hers, since we usually express our love most often in the way we think is most meaningful.

You can also listen for what she most often asks for. For example, if she's always suggesting you go for a trip together, or go for a walk, or turn off the television and talk, her love language is probably quality time.

Find out what makes your mate feel loved, and learn to communicate your affection in that way. And help your mate learn your language. After that, you know what to do: Live happily ever after.

Read more about love languages:

How To Feel Happier In The Long Run By Doing What Doesn't Come Naturally

Filling Your Spouse's Love Tank

Lower Stress With Connection

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How to Think Positive Tips

THINKING POSITIVE can improve your mood. But how effective it is depends on how you do it. People often tell me, "I try to think positive, but I am overwhelmed by negativity." Many people decide that either positive thinking doesn't work, or they are not trying hard enough. The fact is, they're probably trying hard enough, but in the wrong way.

Before we learn some positive thinking tips, let's start by renaming "positive thinking." We're going to call it "self-coaching." It's a more accurate description, and it's the name many researchers use. That's the first "how to think positive tip:" Think of it as coaching yourself.

In a study of Olympic gymnasts, researchers found that those who made the U.S. men's gymnastics team used more self-coaching than those who weren't able to qualify. In a different study, "positive self-talk" made it easier for a gymnast to do well. Researcher Susan Jackson did a study on twenty-eight elite athletes from seven different sports. She found that confidence, ability to focus, and level of motivation were key factors in their ability to consistently succeed. Self-coaching boosts all those factors.

Self-coaching can really work wonders. But to make it work for you, use the following "how to think positive" tips:

1. Coach toward a purpose. Know what you're coaching toward. Clearly define your purpose. And make it simple. Championship race-walker Curt Clausen starts preparing for competitions by saying, "I want to win this race." Does that seem too basic? Setting your goal clearly in your mind is a first step that should not be overlooked. Clausen then makes a detailed plan — what he's going to do and when. He talks to himself about what he'll do if this or that happens. And he runs that plan through his head over and over during the race. He is self-coaching toward a purpose — not just trying to feel good or look positive. He's trying to accomplish something specific and his self-coaching is toward that end. That is the first and most important "positive thinking" tip: Coach yourself toward a goal.

2. Give yourself commands. Literally tell yourself what to do. Step back from the situation and think about what you need to do, and tell yourself, for example, "Okay, relax. Take a deep breath. Good. Now just walk over there and ask the question. Keep your face relaxed, etc."

Kayak champion Kathy Ann Colin and her pair teammate, Tamara Jenkins, were having trouble balancing. Their warm-up before the qualifying competition for the 2000 Olympics was awful. Colin had an additional distraction because her parents had been robbed at the airport when they flew in. Colin and Jenkins both felt scattered and nervous. But before the race, Colin turned to Jenkins and said, "We can do this. Focus and relax and don't worry about anything else." It worked.

Coach yourself with commands — but not necessarily in a commanding or domineering way. Do it like a hypnotist giving commands: Gentle and confident. Use the right tone of voice (you have a tone of voice inside your head) because even if you are encouraging yourself or giving yourself advice, your own internal voice can rub you the wrong way and ruin the good effect. Don't yell angrily at yourself unless that creates the effect you want. Simply changing your own tone when you talk to yourself can make your self-coaching more effective.

3. Give yourself advice. Look at your circumstance the way you might see it if a friend of yours was in your situation. And then advise yourself the way you would advise your friend. "It's not as bad as it seems. You'll get through this. You can handle it." Be kind and gentle. Reassure yourself and use your good common sense. Give yourself your best advice and then follow it.

4. Give yourself encouragement. It makes a difference to tell yourself, "I can do it." That's all encouragement is: The basic message "you can do it." This is what people call "belief in yourself." It's nothing more than coaching yourself, encouraging yourself, saying to yourself, "I can do it." Talk to yourself in a confident and reassuring way. Encourage yourself without overstating your case or trying to feel enthusiastic. Talk to yourself genuinely and sincerely, but encouragingly.

5. Give yourself reasons. Remind yourself of the reasons why you can overcome this obstacle. Tell yourself about your past successes. Remind yourself of your strengths. Also, remind yourself of why you really want it. Think up new reasons. Good reasons will motivate you and strengthen your determination.

6. Aim for your favorite positive emotion. I have often wanted to have a good attitude, so when I was dealing with others — co-workers, my neighbors, the clerk at the store, my wife — I tried to have a positive attitude. I tried to be cheerful and enthusiastic.

But over the years I have found something better. I didn't like the forced, phony quality of my effort to be cheerful. What I like better is love. Love is a very "positive attitude" and it changes my state to aim for that, rather than just changing my external expression. And it takes my attention away from me and puts it out there on other people. I have a better effect on the world. Try it and you'll see what I mean.

Often my cheerfulness annoyed people. Sometimes it was envy, I think. Sometimes it was just the difference between how they felt and how it looked like I felt. But my love, my feelings of kindness, never annoys people. It is simply the difference of what I'm aiming for. Am I aiming to be a positive person? Am I aiming for being cheerful? Or am I aiming for letting the other person feel loved? Or just loving them? It feels different, both to me and to the other person.

Remember, cheerfulness and enthusiasm are not the only positive emotions. My two favorite positive emotions are determination and love. In my opinion, these are much higher states than cheerfulness or enthusiasm, and you'll never slip into a phony show of positivity aiming at these. Please remember this. I believe this is the most common mistake people make when they're trying to "be more positive." They aim for cheerfulness. What they end up with is the show of positivity and a negative feeling of phoniness.

Aim for love instead. Or gratitude or feeling relaxed or feeling determined. These are easier to attain and ultimately more worthy than cheerfulness.

7. Try anti-negativity. You can read more about this principle here. It's about getting rid of negative, self-defeating thinking. It is attacking and finding fault in your pessimistic assumptions. When you're in a negative mood, this is probably the easiest and most natural way to be more "positive."

Instead of trying to pretend you feel positive or somehow drum up a positive feeling, you attack your negative thoughts with as much venom as you like. It works. Sometimes positive thinking is too much of a step. Use anti-negativity to get yourself up to neutral before attempting anything positive.

8. Keep it simple. When coaching yourself, keep your sentences short and to the point, and ideally directed toward purposeful action.

9. Reframe "negative" events. This is probably what most people think of as "positive thinking." Reframing is looking at a circumstance in a different way deliberately. If you change the way you think about it, you can change the way you feel about it, and that usually helps you deal with it more effectively. Learn more about reframing here.

10. Use visualization. There are many different ways to use visualization as positive thinking or self-coaching. And it has many possibilities beyond those. It's too big a subject to cover here, but you can read more about visualization here.

11. Repeat what works. Good coaches develop "sayings." They have certain things they say often. As you coach yourself, you will often coach yourself the same way on the same activity over and over, and you'll develop short, pithy sayings that capture a useful meaning. Use those. Once you get very good at coaching yourself, you can do a whole coaching session with one sentence and be back to the activity with a good attitude.

The movie, Alive, has some great examples. It's the true story of a plane crash. Not everyone survived. The ones who successfully endured the incredible seventy-one day ordeal in the Andes mountains developed slogans they repeated often, giving them the determination to keep trying. "The loser stays," meaning the weak would die. "A man never dies who fights." "We've beaten the cold." And the one they said most often, "To the west is Chile." Two of them eventually made it to Chile, and they came back to rescue the rest of them.

So develop slogans in your self-coaching, and use the rest of the "think positive" tips. If you ever thought positive thinking didn't work, using these tips will change your mind. When it's done with skill, positive thinking can be very effective. It can improve not only the way you feel, but how effective you are at accomplishing your goals and dealing with people.

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Moodraising On Groundhog Day

IN THE MOVIE, Groundhog Day, Phil Conner (played by Bill Murray) is a weatherman who gets stuck in time, reliving the same day over and over, always waking up on the morning of Groundhog Day (February 2nd) until he finds happiness. Once he attains happiness, he makes it out of Groundhog Day into the next day.

When the movie starts, Phil is not a very nice guy. He is sarcastic and rude. He is egotistical and selfish. Later in the movie you discover Phil acts that way because he's not happy. He is busy trying to live up to the goals society or his parents have given him and the goals of his own self-centered ego — trying to be successful, well-known, and wealthy — rather than asking himself what would really improve his mood.

Phil's goals were the kind people have when they haven't taken the time to wonder what they really want with their life. They are the built-in, default kind of goals: Impress others and have lots of money.

When he discovers he is re-living the same day, his first response is to be unnerved. He loses his cockiness and some of his rudeness. He's uncertain.

Next he begins to revel in his freedom from the rules of society. He does whatever he feels like doing. The laws don't matter any more because even when he is thrown into jail, he wakes up the next morning back in his bed, and as far as anyone else is concerned, none of it happened.

He pretty much indulges his whims, using his unusual situation (being able to anticipate what's going to happen) to his personal, selfish advantage, but he's still unconnected to who he really is and what he really wants. He just tries to satisfy his appetites for food and sex and money. He steals. He takes advantage of women by lying and pretending. He buys expensive cars.

But it gets old. None of it is making him happy. Simply indulging his appetites, as many newly rich people discover, does not produce any real satisfaction. It is an empty gratification.

Every day he goes through the motions of doing his weather report, so he sees Rita (his producer, played by Andie MacDowell) every day and he begins to realize what a good person she is. He falls in love with her, but can't reach her. As far as she is concerned, up until today he has been an egotistical jerk, and she still thinks of him that way.

So he begins an elaborate seduction, getting farther and farther with her each day, pretending to like what he doesn't like as he learns more about her, pretending to be what he's not in order to win her over. He tries to be what he thinks she wants. But she always sees through his fake character at some point — no matter how cleverly and carefully he tries — and slaps him in the face, ending his romantic ambition for the rest of the night.

Eventually he gives up on this last attempt at happiness, feeling trapped in Groundhog Day forever, with no hope of love or happiness, and he decides to kill himself.

But he won't die. Every day he wakes up in his bed again. He tries electrocuting himself, jumping off a building, stepping in front of a bus, and driving off a cliff. But nothing works.

Finally he gives up on even that, and begins to just be himself. He starts being honest. He starts noticing what he likes and wants.

He walks by an ice carving contest and realizes it looks like fun to him. He never would have even thought of doing it before because he was so focused on becoming a rich and famous weatherman.

He hears a piano and thinks learning to play the piano might be something he would enjoy doing too. He sees people having trouble of one kind or another and finds pleasure in trying to help them, using his unusual situation (being able to anticipate what's going to happen) for good instead of evil, and he begins to relax and be himself. He finds he feels good when doing good.

He discovers he likes being himself.

Because he is stuck in Groundhog Day, he can't advance his career, which is what he was obsessively focused on before, so he is free to ask what else he might want. His mood rises to a state he has never felt before.

And he finds love — not by being a phony game-player, but by simply being his honest self. And he finds happiness. "No matter what happens tomorrow," Phil says, "I am happy now." The next morning is the day after Groundhog Day. He made it to the next day.

Every Groundhog Day, I think about this movie and the lessons it teaches: Bloom where you're planted, pursue what is deeply important to you, be yourself, help other people, and you will enjoy good moods more often.

Here are a few choice scenes from Groundhog Day:

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