How To Feel More Lighthearted

>> Tuesday

What causes you to feel not lighthearted? It is a kind of natural greed built in to each of us. But you're not stuck with it. You can interact with your own greed in a way that will fill your heart with lightness.

Find out more about how to do this: A Bearable Lightness of Being.


Take Action: Move Your Money

>> Friday

WHEN SOMETHING bothers you, if you can do anything about it, your mood is likely to rise. Many people are justifiably angry at the fatcats who made the decisions that caused The Great Recession but who personally made enormous profits in the process, and that large banks accepted bailout money from taxpayers but used it only to further their own interests, often at the expense of taxpayers.

But the "Move Your Money" movement is promoting something that each of us can DO about it: Move your money from the guilty banks to local banks and credit unions. Taking such a constructive action will improve your mood. You'll feel better knowing you have done something about the injustice.

For more information (including an easy way to find community banks), go to Move Your Money.

Watch the video below. It is 4 minutes and 11 seconds long. And please share it with others (another constructive action you can take).


How To Feel Happier In The Long Run By Doing What Doesn't Come Naturally

You can improve your mood by using a principle from the book, See Her Smile, which was written for men, but in this case, the principle applies to both sexes. The idea is that there are five "love languages" and each of us favors one or more of them. And if your significant other favors a different one than you, it's a good idea to recognize it and alter the way you express your love so your loved one actually feels loved by you.

Because we favor one love language, it feels like the only way things can be, but if someone favors "words of affirmation" and the other favors "physical touch" (those are two of the love languages), then it is possible for both of them to rarely feel loved in that relationship. Each make "know" they are loved, but not feel loved.

To explore this further, read the article, The Five Love Languages.


Relieve City Stress

MEDITATION can compensate or substitute for the deep peace one gets in a natural setting (like being in the woods, in the mountains, or on a deserted beach). The sounds and appearance of natural settings are soothing and comfortable. It is the environment the human organism is evolved to deal with. Change it to buildings and cars and strangers and time pressure and polyester and lots of extra mental and emotional stimulation from music and television, and the organism — your body and mind — is out of its element. And it reacts by gearing up. Cortisol and adrenaline start flowing and keep flowing without a break.

In a natural setting, it would not be all peace and harmony, of course. There would be times of great danger, of fear and anger. But in between, the body would have the opportunity to settle down again and rejuvenate in a natural setting.

That's what meditation provides for the city dweller. It is a way to compensate for the unnatural setting we live in. And it works.

If you don't get enough peace, you suffer. Stress has a thousand ways of showing up. And each one of those ways can be seen as a symptom of a "calmness deficiency." Like a vitamin C deficiency, the body can cope for awhile, but then the deficiency starts to show its negative impact.

If you can't take plenty of walks in the woods, or if you don't live near a quiet desert, or if you don't live out in the wilderness, you will need to compensate for your unnatural situation. Meditation is what you need. Meditate and you fulfill your requirement for calm. And what do you know? All kinds of healthy side-effects (reductions of the symptoms of stress) show that those symptoms were from a lack of moments of calmness and peace.

You don't have to be peaceful all the time to satisfy your need for calm. You just need enough of it. Daily meditation can provide that for you.

Read more: Everything Goes Better With Relaxation.


Resources For Feeling Good

>> Thursday

I have another web site, and I've had it for about 12 years now. Over time I've been able to see which features of the site are used the most, and I'd like to share two of them with you. One is a fun thing to turn others onto, called "Bite-Size Tastes." They are very short items with titles that evoke curiosity. Here are a a couple of examples:

Enhance the quality of your life using a technique developed in one of Hitler's concentration camps.

How can you improve your health without spending money or breaking a sweat?

This page is something you can share with people who don't normally read self-help stuff, and it might might make them interested in reading more.

The other resource is to help you in your ongoing and noble quest for a better mood. And I call it noble because while miserable people may see your quest for a better mood as selfish or self-indulgent, you know moods are contagious. And when you are in a better mood, people around you will feel better too. It's good for everyone.

Anyway, back on track: The name of this second resource is "Immediate Relief." It is a list of negative emotions or troublesome situations, and each one is a link to take you to a short article that will help you rise up out of that particular negative feeling or circumstance. Pretty handy.

Check them out:

Bite-Size Tastes

Immediate Relief


Craving Carbohydrates

>> Friday

I've been watching Man Versus Wild and I've noticed no matter what wild environment he's in, he always finds more protein than carbohydrates. He finds it relatively easy to find protein to eat, and very difficult to find any carbs to eat.

Our ancestors for millions of years of our evolution were in similar environments, and not until the invention of agriculture would carbohydrates become abundant.

But agriculture was only a brief moment ago in evolutionary time, so the brain mechanisms causing our cravings are not adapted to our current situation (a constant availability of abundant carbs).

In other words, our bodies and brains are assuming protein is our mainstay, so when our brains want to make more serotonin, we crave carbs, not protein.

Anyway, as I said in the article, What Goes In, we have a simple rule to follow that doesn't require counting calories or weighing food or keeping track of grams of protein: Always mix carbs and protein in every meal (and in every snack) and you'll be getting the maximum amount of tryptophan into your brain. Your brain will have what it needs to make enough serotonin, so you'll feel better more often and you won't have an unnaturally voracious appetite.

All the research is fine and dandy, but the real test that counts is the one in your own life. Give it a shot and find out what happens.


Behaving Your Way Into a Better Mood

When you feel good, you often behave well. And when you feel bad, you often behave badly, right? For example, you have a stressful day at work and when you get home, you're not very nice to your kids.

How you feel influences how you act. But it's also true that how you act can influence how you feel.

You can use this fact to your advantage by deliberately altering simple things about your behavior in order to feel better. For example, changing the muscle tension around your eyes. Or changing they way you're breathing. Learn more about this: A Simple Way to Change How You Feel.


The Purpose of

>> Sunday

ON, I will give you effective but simple ways to raise your mood, adjust your attitude, and feel good more often, delivered in bite-sized, easy-to-digest pieces.

Who is this for? Everybody likes to be in a good mood, of course, but not everyone is motivated to do anything about it. I can think of several categories of people who might be committed to raising their moods:

1. People who know good moods are good for their health. Or who know pessimism is bad for their hearts and bad for their immune systems. People who know this and are committed to their health will really like

2. Parents of young children. Most parents know their attitude rubs off on their children and want to make sure the right attitude rubs off. And you can't fake it. Kids can see right through their parents, so a genuinely good mood is the only thing that will work.

3. A single person wanting a relationship. Obviously a person in a good mood is more attractive than someone in a bad mood.

4. Someone in commission sales or multi-level marketing. They know their own chronic mood will either help them succeed or help them fail.

5. People who deal with the public one-on-one and face-to-face and whose income is closely tied to how well they interact — restaurant servers, customer service representatives, travel agents, etc.

For these people, the ability to remain in a genuinely good mood is not just nice. It's important. You can fake a good mood only so much before others see through it or you get tired from the effort. A genuinely good mood makes you feel energetic and brightens the lives of people around you. It is a worthwhile endeavor. If you're with me on this, if you want to feel good more often, for whatever reason, I'm glad we found each other.


Do Something Good For the World and Feel Good

HIGH GAS PRICES are not good for your mood. On the other hand, taking action with a sense of purpose is very good for your mood. If you live in the United States, I have several actions to recommend that will lower gas prices, help reduce pollution, generate jobs all over the world (including or maybe especially in America), and reduce the amount of money going to political regimes that suppress their own people. Are you ready? Here it is:

Support The Open Fuel Standard Act.

A bill was introduced earlier this month in the House of Representatives that would make it mandatory for all cars sold in the United States to be capable of burning any type of liquid fuel. This won't cost the federal government any money, and it will only add about 200 dollars to the cost of a new car. But it will immediately kick companies into gear — companies that invent, manufacture, and distribute alternative fuels. They'll have the confidence they need to immediately start ramping up and making competing fuels available.

Gas prices have risen so much that many of these fuels could already be sold competitively (if only there were more cars that could burn them). With real competition, oil companies will have to bring down their prices or go out of business.

The most important thing that needs to be done right now is to increase the number of representatives who co-sponsor the bill. This brings us to what you can do:

1. Urge your representative to become a co-sponsor for the bill (click here to find out how to do it in three minutes).

2. Subscribe to email updates and share those emails with your friends and family (click here to subscribe).

3. "Like" the Open Fuel Standard Facebook page and "share" their Facebook posts with your Facebook friends and family (click here to go to the Facebook page now).

4. Educate yourself about the Open Fuel Standard (click here to see recommended books, DVDs, and online videos).

5. Print copies of the OFS Fact Sheet. Share them with friends and family, and use it for "talking points" when talking with your representative (click here to read the fact sheet).

Let's all take some action on this. It will be good for everyone if we do. And it will feel good too.


Raise Your Mood By Overcoming Obstacles

>> Friday

WE HAVE GOALS — things we want to accomplish. And we really do want to accomplish them; we’re not trying to fool anyone or pump things up. But sometimes we give up on our goals. Why?

All goals have obstacles to their achievement, things in the way. These are problems or difficulties we meet on the way to the goal that we must handle in order to achieve the goal.

What makes us give up is when it looks like we won’t be able to overcome the obstacles. They seem too big or too numerous. When we feel sure we can’t do it, we tend to give up.

What are the alternatives to giving up? Below are three. They are stated simply. Please do not discount them because of their brevity or simplicity. The fact that they are stated simply and briefly merely makes them easier to use and therefore more powerful, not less.

Get help. There are people who want to help you. Enlist their aid. The more help you get, the sooner you’ll succeed.

Tackle the obstacles one at a time. When you try to tackle all the obstacles, or just look at all the obstacles at the same time, it can overwhelm you. The feeling of being completely outgunned can take the wind out of your sails before you even get started. Pick one obstacle — an easy one — and tackle that first. Don’t even think about the rest of them. It’s likely that after you’ve tackled one obstacle, you’ll be in a better, stronger position to handle the next one, and so on.

Get some training or knowledge that will make you more able to deal with the obstacles. Read, study, practice. As you gain in ability, the obstacles shrink in comparison.

NEXT TIME you are overwhelmed by obstacles, try one, two, or all three of these alternatives to giving up. You’ll find they work. Using them, you’ll discover new strength and zeal to keep your dream alive and accomplish your goal.

The article above is a chapter from Principles for Personal Growth.

When you have five minutes to watch a video, check out a good example of someone overcoming the obstacles to losing 120 pounds, and raising his mood in the process: Prepare to Be Inspired.


Screen-Free Week

SCREEN-FREE WEEK is here (April 18-24, 2011)! It's an annual celebration where children, families, schools, and communities turn off screens and turn on life. If you haven't done it yet, try going one day without any viewing any screens.

The motivation behind this annual event begins with this simple fact: Excessive screen time is harmful for children. Time with screens is linked to poor school performance, childhood obesity, and attention problems. And it is primarily through screens that children are exposed to harmful marketing. Regardless of whether they are consuming “good” or “bad” programming, it’s clear that screen media dominates the lives of far too many children, displacing all sorts of other activities that are integral to childhood.

Screen-Free Week is a fun and innovative opportunity to improve children’s well-being by reducing dependence on entertainment screen media, including television, video games, computers, and hand-held devices. It’s a chance for children — and their parents — to examine their relationship with entertainment media and rediscover the joys of life beyond the screen. That’s why more than 60 prominent organizations have endorsed Screen-Free Week.

Read more:

Raise your mood with one finger

Accomplish more and have more enjoyment by forgoing the screen

Find out more about Screen-Free Week


Get Out of a Funk

When you first come up with a goal you're excited about, everything is great. But then somewhere along the way, if the project is a long one, you may experience what I like to call a "doubt funk." You start to think this was a bad idea and you consider giving up.

Should you give up? What should you do about it? Find out here: Refresh Your Goals.

Another important factor affecting your feelings of doubt is your "explanatory style," that is, the habitual way you explain setbacks to yourself. Some ways of explaining setbacks leave your determination intact or even strengthen it. Other ways demoralize you and can lead to doubt funks. Learn more about solving that problem here.


Curing Your Sense of Futility

Do you ever feel that you've worked all day and gotten nothing done? It is not only unpleasant to feel, it saps your motivation the next day.

Why do you suppose it happens? Do you think someone building a log cabin ever has that feeling? Or a potter making clay vases?

The problem you have is the nature of your work or the nature of human memory. There is a solution that will help you feel appropriate satisfaction at your day's work. It's called a "done list." Read more about it here: Motivation Principle Number Four.


"I Want To Do More With My Life"

ONE OF OUR READERS wrote in from Germany and said he has a strong desire to do more with his life but can't seem to determine what he wants to do. Klassy Evans wrote back to him as follows:

WHEN WE ARE YOUNG, there are things we want to do, but often we're told we can't or it isn't appropriate or you're too young or too old or not smart enough or don't have enough money or something. I suggest to you that you may not feel a burning desire for anything because what you really want to do is no longer on your list of possibilities. I suggest to you that it's possible you might have turned away from the one thing you would most enjoy doing. I know I did.

I'd like to share a little process that literally changed my life. It helped me see what I really wanted to do with my life. It might help you. It's simple. It'll only take a little time over the next couple of weeks.

Here's what you do: Get a little notebook, small enough to keep with you at all times. Now, during the day, try to remember times you were happy. When you think of a time — even if it was very long ago — write down where you were, who you were with, and what you were doing.

If anything happens to you during the next couple of weeks that makes you happy and brightens your spirit, write that down the same way. Just those three things: Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing?

At the end of a couple of weeks, go over your notes and see what common thread runs through those moments. Then, find people you trust and without telling them what you saw, ask them what they see common to all those times.

I did that process many years ago and realized I'd always wanted to be a teacher, but I'd been told many times that "those who can, DO, and those who can't, teach; and those who can't teach, teach teachers!" But the truth is, I loved to teach and over the years I've become, what I jokingly call, a "freelance teacher." I give talks on things I think will help others. I love doing this. It's makes me feel like I'm doing what I was born to do.

Collecting that little list of things that made me happy got me to see that I'd turned my back on something I really wanted to do.

Maybe the little happiness notebook will be your compass to your purpose in life. I hope so.

And one last tip: You can also discover your interests indirectly by monitoring your level of effort. As interest increases, the effort required to do the task decreases. Given a high enough interest, it can be hard to stop doing it. Like reading a great book. But try to read what you're not interested in and the effort to get through the material inches upward as your interest in the subject declines. So, sometimes when you can't figure out what your interests are, look to the level of effort you're using to do the task at hand.

I just want you to know that you can find your purpose and desire in life. You can. Even turning ever so slightly in the general direction of your purpose will increase your strength.

It brings out our best to be going after something important. The more important the task, the more strength we have to do it. We are all capable of more than we imagine. The challenge will bring out your best.

I wish you well,

Klassy Evans

THE MAN FROM Germany wrote back, very happy, and thanked Klassy. To which she replied:

YOU ARE WELCOME! Adam and I actually taught a course for awhile called, "the Happiness Course" and helped people find what they loved to do because doing what we love to do brings out our best.

One couple comes to mind and I thought I'd just give you a little bit of their story. We did that process with the notebook to collect times they were happy. The man realized that although he would not be able to quit the job he had and do what he loved (because they needed the money and security of his job), he DID manage to go back into radio and found a small town station that had a Sunday morning spot open. So he went back on the air for his two hour show each Sunday morning. Now, you might think that only doing what you love for two hours a week wouldn't do much, but it made a big difference in his life. All week he had something to think about and look forward to. I tell you this because sometimes you can only add a little bit of what you love, but even a little bit will make your life happier. In his case, much happier. He had his little radio show and he had the money and security of his "regular" job. Sometimes it doesn't really take that much to make us happy.

And his wife found out that one of the times she was really happy was when she was having lunches with her lady-friends and talking about stuff. Well, you might say, what are you going to do with that? She decided to start a little women's group that would meet once a week, which she did. Then she started to charge a little fee for coming. Then she realized she really and truly did love talking with women and helping to support them and she went back to school and became a counselor and now has her own practice. It took a few years, but we grow older anyway whether we're going to school or not.

Happiness is not a slight thing! Happiness literally makes us healthier. When we're happy we have more access to our intelligence and we make better decisions and our character is stronger. Plus, all those around you — your wife, your family and your friends — will all benefit from your happiness because you will be a better person in their life.

Hesiod said: If you should put even a little upon a little and do this often, soon you would have a lot.

Little changes now can totally change the years ahead.

Bye for now, Klassy


Can Dogs Make You Happy?

>> Saturday

Researchers have looked into the influence a pet dog can have on your health, and it is significant. They can help you lower stress and increase oxytocin. And they can save your life. And, of course, they can raise your mood.

Learn more about what dogs can do for you: Reduce Stress: Get a Dog. At the bottom of the article are links to good resources.


What Makes You Feel Loved?

>> Friday

The idea of "love languages" is one of the most helpful tips I've ever learned. The basic principle is that there are five love languages, and each of us favors one over the others. For example, some people could be hugged all day and not feel loved unless their significant other said "I love you." Another could be told they are loved all day long but until they are embraced, they don't really feel loved.

Those are two of the love languages: Physical touch and words of affirmation. Learn more:

How To Feel Happier In The Long Run

Filling Your Spouse's Love Tank

Lower Stress With Connection


How to Think Positive Tips

If it is done well, positive thinking works well. Certain principles can help you do it effectively. For example, consider positive thinking to be a kind of self-coaching, and always coach toward a purpose.

Another way is to give yourself advice. It helps to imagine what a wise person would tell you.

Another good way to think positive is to use anti-negativity. To find out how to use these principles, and to learn more, check out this article: Does Positive Thinking Work?


How to Enjoy Your Day Today

WOULD YOU LIKE TO enjoy your day today? Sure you would. Here is one way to almost guarantee it: Try to help others enjoy their day more. I don't mean going around massaging people and washing their cars. I'm talking about the way you look at them and talk to them and listen to them. This simple method is more useful, sophisticated, and effective than it may at first appear. Let me explain.

First off, we are social animals, and your brain rewards you with pleasure when you show goodwill toward others of your kind. Who you consider "your kind" is up to you, and it's flexible. You can think about the fact that this person is part of your family, your neighborhood, your company, your city, your country, or even a member of your species. You can think about it any way you want, so think about it in a way that lets you feel the two of you are the same kind. Then your friendliness and kindness toward them will trigger your brain to make you feel good.

Second, this method takes your attention off yourself and puts it out in the world. Even if you still felt grumpy or tired, you wouldn't notice it as much because your attention is off yourself. It's also true that the very act of paying attention to yourself and your problems can make you feel worse. It is a kind of first-stage self-help to focus less of your attention on your own problems. This method is a great way to do that.

And third, the tones of voice and facial expressions of the people around you affect your mood. Why is this important? Because when you try to help people, it changes how they interact with you. When you see the change in them, it'll change the way you feel.

So how can you do it? Other than giving them money, how can you help people? The simplest way is with a kind of amiable extroversion. In the American Heritage Dictionary, extroversion is "interest in one's environment or in others as opposed to or to the exclusion of oneself." Even when you feel withdrawn, the act of speaking up makes you feel less introverted. It makes you feel bolder and more alert.

Be outgoing and kind to others, especially when you feel like withdrawing. It makes you feel better. Be your sincere self. Avoid being phony. Don't try to act like someone you're not. But be outgoing and kind to people, not just in your actions, but in your thoughts too.

Make others feel good, and help them feel good about themselves. Volunteer nice comments to people. Voluntarily say nice things about people — behind their backs and to their face — and avoid talking badly about anyone when you can.

Be helpful when and where you can. Try to be constructive. Avoid being destructive or critical.

This includes listening, which is a form of reaching out (to draw others out).

Extroversion is a characteristic of happy people. Look around you at people nearby and ask yourself, "What do they need?" One needs a little cheering up. Another needs a smile from you. Or for you to listen to a problem, or show an interest, or give a pat on the back, or a compliment. Or just simple human kindness — not only expressed outwardly, but also demonstrated in your thoughts (forgive people, try not to judge them, etc.).

If you're so busy with your work you don't have time for this stuff, then you probably don't have your own anxieties on your mind much either. Work tends to take up enough attention. But if it doesn't, make it your personal mission to raise the general tone of the people around you. A higher tone is needed and wanted in this world and you can help.

Here's a true story and an example of the principle: Forty miles from Paris was the Forest of Fontainebleau. Artists came from all over to paint there. It took two days to walk from Paris to this forest, but an artist in his early 20's named Pierre had often done so.

One day, Pierre was painting when a dazed, mud-splattered, ragged man stumbled out of the forest and gasped, "Please help me! I am dying of hunger."

The ragged man was Raoul Rigaud. Pierre fed him and heard his story. Raoul was a journalist who had opposed France's authoritarian government in some of his writings. Now the authorities were after him. They had surprised Raoul at his home, but he sneaked out the window and barely escaped out of Paris. Now he was exhausted, and had decided to give himself up. He could not go on like this.

Pierre felt sympathy for Raoul. He convinced Raoul not to give himself up. Pierre borrowed an artist's smock and painting kit from a nearby village, and over the next few weeks they spent together, Raoul became, to all eyes, just another visiting artist to the Forest. A very grateful Raoul was eventually able to contact friends in Paris and they arranged for him to flee France.

Years went by.

One day Pierre was painting by the Seine river when some national guardsmen stopped to look at his work. All of a sudden, one of the guards grabbed the painting and accused Pierre of being a spy for the Versailles forces. He said this painting was a painting of the Seine area showing vulnerable points and strategic locations to guide the Versailles troops. The guards were getting agitated, and a small group of people had gathered. "A spy!" they shouted. The soldiers placed poor Pierre under arrest and marched him to the town hall where a firing squad was on permanent duty to handle things like this.

The crowd grew into a mob. They were now shouting, "Kill him! Kill him!" But Pierre was not a spy. He was just a poor painter.

Pierre's "trial" and conviction was nothing more than a nod from the captain. Pierre's hands were tied. He was dragged down to the firing squad. He closed his eyes. This was the end.

But when he opened his eyes, he saw the Public Prosecutor standing in front of him. The Prosecutor happened to be passing by when he saw what was happening. "Surely you remember me!" said the Prosecutor, and he embraced Pierre.

It was Raoul Rigaud! Because of his kindness and optimism years before, Pierre was saved. And the world was better off for it — Pierre's artistic ability continued to blossom, bestowing on the world a genius with color and light and shadow. Because of his kindness to a stranger in trouble, Pierre-Auguste Renoir had saved his own life.

It may not necessarily save your life, but acts of kindness and extroversion toward others will raise your mood. Helping others enjoy their day more will help you enjoy your day today.


Feel Better About Yourself, Honestly and Truthfully

WHEN I FIRST read Martin Seligman's book, Learned Optimism, I took his questionnaire, which is designed to discover if you are pessimistic, and if so, in what way. The questionnaire uncovered a mistake I was making — a tendency to not take credit for good things I did. Up until then, I considered that characteristic a virtue: I wasn't a braggart (read more about this).

But the trait had an entirely different slant after reading Seligman's book. I saw that trait in a new light. At work, for example, I paid attention to the mistakes I made, even if I was doing a good job. I disregarded and overlooked the things I did right and focused my attention on what I was doing wrong.

The trait is apparently driven by anxiety, and it also maintains anxiety. Aaron Beck, one of the founders of cognitive therapy, said this tendency is very strong in people suffering from anxiety. And, in fact, I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety.

I found a simple solution to this problem. The solution counters the tendency to overlook your good works and sends your mind in a healthy direction.

Here it is: Occasionally ask yourself, "What am I doing right?" And really think about it. Try to think of several things you're doing right.

If you are unsuccessful at first — if you can't think of anything you're doing right — just keep asking the question. Don't give up. Persist in asking until you come up with answers.

This exercise is surprisingly relaxing. It will relieve some of your tension. It will help you feel better. It's a relief to realize you've done some things well.

In the car, on the way home from work, ponder the question, "What did I do right today?" Lying in bed before nodding off, ask yourself, "What did I do right today?" What can you take credit for?

Go ahead and feel good. It doesn't do any good to feel like a loser. It accomplishes nothing. In fact, it hinders.

Bragging may be a social blunder, but giving yourself credit in the privacy of your own mind is healthy and anxiety-reducing.


How to Deal With Rude People in a Way You'll Feel Good About

I know there are sociopaths in the world, and there is no way to deal with them in a way you'll feel good about, but most of the people who treat you rudely in your everyday life are not sociopaths. They may be simply having a bad day or have had difficult circumstances.

Even if you never find out why they deal with you the way they do, you can easily alter the way you think about them so their rudeness doesn't ruin your mood.

Abraham Lincoln did it when dealing with Edwin Stanton, and you can do it too. Find out how: Disarming Hostility.


Stop Needing Approval and End Your "Approval Anxiety" Now

>> Sunday

ONE OF THE MOST common anxieties is "needing approval" or the fear that someone might disapprove of you. I used to suffer from approval anxiety quite a bit when I was younger, and I gained some relief from a simple passage in the book on social anxiety, Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety and Phobia:

It's okay if some people dislike you or disapprove of you sometimes. In fact, it's inevitable.

Even well-known and widely-admired people are disliked or even hated by some people. Reminding yourself of this can be a relief. It's a kind of perfectionism to try to get everyone to approve of you, and the effort causes extra stress hormones, and leads to even more anxiety.

Most of us have a need for approval, at least to some degree. It is normal to want to fit in and be accepted by others. In a species as social as ours, where being accepted by the group has been important to survival, we're bound to have some built-in desire or instinct to try to be approved of by our fellow group members. Those born without a need for approval would be less likely to have any offspring in a hunter-gatherer group. One of the most important things our species has relied on to survive is banding together — for hunting, defending against enemies, and helping to raise children.

Social anxiety is an important evolutionary development, keeping people cohesive as a group, improving our chances of surviving during dangerous or difficult times. But of course, times have changed.

One thing that has made our need-for-approval instinct so much more troublesome for modern people is that we now interact with so many strangers. It is an unnatural situation, and we have not evolved to deal with it. It's much easier to learn to get along with a small group of people you have known all your life. But those days are over. Approval anxiety is a natural result.

But there are things you can do to stop needing approval so much. You can alleviate much of this natural and perfectly understandable approval anxiety.

The first step is something simple but immensely effective: Remind yourself that no matter how perfect you try to be, some people will dislike you. You cannot get everyone to like you. Even if you were able to achieve it for a moment, someone would dislike you because you were so popular! Every time you feel some approval anxiety, immediately remind yourself that you cannot get everyone to like you. Say it to yourself emphatically and repeatedly.

Getting everyone to like you is an impossible goal. Remind yourself of that fact over and over. This will go a long way toward ending your anxious need for approval, and help you live a more enjoyable life. It will help you be in a good mood more often.


Overcoming Setbacks

When you are pursuing a goal or trying to learn a new skill, will you quit when it gets difficult? Or will you overcome setbacks and persist?

What is the key to determination? It is simply this: The way you explain the setback to yourself. And it's something you can change.

Find out how: Determination.



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Feel good more often and become more effective with your actions. Check it out on Amazon: Self-Help Stuff That Works.

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