How Much Can You Control?

WHAT WE control in our lives is often influenced by what we think we can control. For example, I know a woman who doesn't think she can control her anger. Her anger spontaneously erupts, according to her.

And this woman's anger is causing a lot of trouble in her marriage. It would make a huge difference in her life if she learned to restrain at least her expression of anger.

But she "can't."

What doesn't ring true about that is the several times I've seen her angry before a phone rang or someone came to her door and yet she answered pleasantly. She is obviously capable of controlling her expression of anger but because she says she can't, she doesn't try, and if she won't try, of course she can't!

There is an enormous range of activities over which we have control but think we don't. And because we think we don't, we don't.

Now some extremists have taken this sane and practical truth and gone overboard with it. You don't create reality. You can't control everything.

But many of your own feelings and behaviors are firmly under your influence — but only if you allow the possibility that they are.It makes no sense to remain uncomfortably warm when you're sitting right next to a thermostat. Turn it down! I think the reason most people don't know how to change their feelings is because somewhere along the line they got the impression they couldn't change their feelings.

But you can, and by gum, you should!

Of course, if you are a Moodraiser reader, you know that already. But if you have friends who don't know they can change their feelings, it might improve your mood to send them this article.What you can control is influenced by what you think you can control. Begin now changing the way you think. Recognize those areas where you do, in fact, have some influence. An effective way to change the way you think is with the Antivirus Program For Your Mind.

Unnecessarily limiting beliefs function like a virus on your computer, impairing its capabilities. But we now have a way to root out those beliefs and eliminate them, restoring your full potential. It takes some work, but it doesn't cost anything and it is more than worth the effort.

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The Quickest Way To Feel Better

SOMETIMES WE need reminding more than we need new information. The method I'm about to tell you is something you already know. But I'll bet you don't use it nearly as often as you could. It works almost every time and it only takes a few seconds. You don't even have to stop what you're doing.

The method is to take a deep breath. If you're tense, it will help you relax and feel better. If you're angry it will help you calm down and feel better. If you already feel fine, a deep breath will make you feel better too.

Here's something you might not know about deep breaths: When you get tense, you tend to take more shallow breaths, and your breathing tends to be higher in the chest. And that kind of breathing tends to make you feel more tense, so it can become a vicious cycle.

Of course, the cycle can be broken any time by deliberately taking slower, deeper breaths, and bringing that air down lower toward your abdomen. Your abdomen should move out when you take a deep breath. This helps bring new oxygen into the lower parts of your lungs. It will make you feel better, and it's better for your health too.

Try to remember this simple practice. Do it often. It makes you feel better almost every time, you have it with you wherever you need it, and it will never wear out. While we're thinking about it, why not take a deep breath right now?

More on deep breaths:

Deep Breathing is Good For Your Health

Using Your Muscles to Relax

Beyond Deep Breaths: Slow Your Body And Mind Quickly

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Reduce Stress With a Guardian Angel

TWO WEEKS ago an eleven year-old boy in Canada was gathering firewood to bring into the house, just like any other day, when his golden retreiver, Angel, began walking next to the boy rather than running around the yard as she usually did.

Suddenly a cougar lept at the boy from about ten feet away. But the cougar was intercepted mid-charge by Angel as she jumped over a lawn mower to intervene. "I was just lucky my dog was there, because it happened so fast I wouldn’t have known what hit me," said the boy in an interview afterwards.

The cougar seized Angel's head in its jaws and the boy ran to tell his mother, who called the Mounties, who then saved Angel from the death grip of the cougar.

Stories like this show us the survival value of owning a dog, but there is a much more common effect dogs have: Their presence tends to improve your mood. If you've been on the fence about getting a dog, you should consider this important fact: Having a dog lowers stress and improves your health.

Further reading: Reduce Stress, Get a Dog

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What To Do When You Relapse

DID YOU MAKE any New Year's resolutions? If you feel like you've already failed with them, think again. Not only is discouragement bad for your health and bad for your ability to succeed, but at least some of your negative assumptions are very likely to be mistaken.

A therapist once told me he had a client — I'll call him Dirck — who's wife didn't feel loved. The therapist helped Dirck find out what his wife needed to feel loved. She craved physical demonstrations of affection: Hugs, touches, kisses, holding hands. These were things that meant the most to her.

Dirck had been telling her how much he loved her without doing much physical demonstration. So although she "knew" (intellectually) Dirck loved her, she didn't feel loved.

The therapist coached Dirck on how to demonstrate his love with physical affection. Dirck returned a week later to say, "It worked!" His wife felt loved! He was now living in a happy household.

Six months later, Dirck was back. His wife didn't feel loved any more. The therapy apparently hadn't succeeded like he thought.

But with some careful questions, the therapist found that Dirck had stopped doing what he was doing before and was merely professing his love with words again!

As stupid as that sounds, it is not uncommon. We've all made similar mistakes. You have a problem, you decide what to do about it, you do it and it works, and then you forget all about it and stop doing what was working, and the problem returns. You "relapse." Then you explain it to yourself. Dirck's explanation was: "The therapy didn't work."

If you have failed with your resolution, you have already explained it. Your mind will not allow you to go on without explaining the setback. "I guess I don't have any self-discipline," you might think. Or maybe, "I am weak and lazy."

In all likelihood, your explanation is wrong (read more about explaining setbacks here). The explanation for your relapse may be simply: It's hard to notice the absence of a negative condition (except immediately after it goes away).

When things go wrong, it is very noticeable. When things get better, it is less noticeable. You might notice at first, but even then you quickly get used to it. And you won't feel much motivation to continue solving a problem that doesn't exist any more. Your life may be better, but you will soon take your new condition for granted. So you stop doing the work, and for awhile everything is great. And then the problem slowly begins to appear again.

Been there? Yeah, me too. But all is not lost. Not by a long shot.

If you feel you have failed with your resolutions, try this new explanation (it is hard to notice the absence of a negative condition) and start doing again what worked before. That's what to do when you relapse.

Read more: From Hope To Change.

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A Surefire Way To Raise Your Mood

FOCUS ON raising the moods of others. This does two things simultaneously that really help. When you focus on raising the moods of others, you take your attention off yourself. When you're less focused on yourself, you will usually feel better. And second, helping another gives you a helper's high, which feels good and is good for your health.

But what can you do? How can you raise others' moods? Here are a few simple things that will almost always work:

1. Simply show you are glad to see them. When you greet someone you work with or live with, it can be a fairly routine affair. But if you would make an effort to show — on your face, with your voice, and in your body language — that you are glad to see someone, it will almost always raise her mood.

2. Give a genuine compliment. This may seem like a common one, but you can make it much better by trying to compliment something that is not obvious. If you're complimenting something that is easily apparent, no doubt the person has been complimented on it many times already, so your compliment won't do much to raise his mood. Look harder and find something unique to compliment. Make sure you compliment something you genuinely like. Take a little time to think of something good.

3. Demonstrate your interest in the person. You may like someone, or even love her, and yet not show much interest in her life. Ask questions; listen; then ask more questions. Don't offer anything about yourself for the moment. It is elevating for most people to experience someone genuinely interested in the events of their lives.

4. Do the person a favor. You can do a premeditated action like baking cookies for someone, but even more important is to be on the lookout for spontaneous opportunities to do favors for people. Actions speak louder than words, and having someone volunteer to do you a favor is a strong moodraiser.

You want a surefire way to raise your mood? Raise someone else's. It works every time.

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Self-Generated Ecstasy

I HAD NEVER heard of Nia until a few months ago. It's a way of exercising that combines movements from three healing arts (like yoga), three martial arts (like Aikido), and three forms of dance (like jazz dance). The music and movements are unique, and the end result is deep fun. Here's a ten minute video about it:



The important thing for our mood-raising purposes here is that this is a pleasure-based exercise. It generates pleasure during the exercise, as well as having the normal improved mood for a day or two afterwards. It is more moodraising than normal exercise, partly because of the psychological impact of the movements, and partly because of the unusual amount of motion variety.

Most adults suffer from motion variety deprivation. The range of motion and the variety of motions we normally use throughout the day is unnaturally limited. Even doing normal exercise, like a treadmill or indoor bike, is a limited, repetitive movement.

Over time, a lack of motion variety produces pain in the body (read more about this concept in the book, Pain Free). One hour of Nia will give you more motion variety than you've probably had in a year! I'm serious.

You can learn Nia at home, or you can take a local class. Given how few people know about Nia, it is surprising how ubiquitous the classes are. There are probably Nia classes near where you live. If not, or if you'd rather dance in the privacy of your home, here are some Nia DVDs:

The Nia Technique: Global Unity
Nia Unplugged
Nia Opal

You can find Nia classes in your area with the Nia Finder.

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